Saturday, June 15, 2013


(if you want to give Cindi your love & support: click here)

I am devastated....

I wrote Tara a letter this morning. I want to share it with everyone because I think it is important to know what we go through as parents when our loved ones commit suicide. 

There are so many unanswered questions and guilt. Please support Suicide Awareness. Even if it is by just sharing my Tara's story! Here's the Letter:

Dear Tara,

I miss you. I hope you have found happiness and peace within your soul. I love you and i hope that there was never a doubt in your mind that i loved you. i know we had our struggles, but in the end there was still love. i wish that you would have waited for me that day. we could have talked and everything would have been okay for a little bit longer. i am so sorry that you were so sad and so alone. if I had known, i would have never left you that day. i am sorry for whatever he said to you to make you want to go. he still loves you. we all love you. i know things were said in anger and frustration, but you know we all do that. it is not right, but it is done. 

i am having a hard time down here without you. i am sad because of everything that you will not get to do and to see. i cry because i cant touch you or hear your voice. i am sorry for being so hard on you. You are so beautiful and smart. I just wanted you to be happy and successful, not like me, living paycheck to paycheck. busting my ass for everything that i want. i knew you could do it. i knew you could. i knew that you could do better than "him". you didnt value yourself enough. i am so sorry that you felt so bad about yourself. you are so beautiful and you could have had and done anything that you wanted. you just needed some confidence and a little push. thats all i was doing was pushing you to be the best that you could be. god, i hate this.

i am sorry for not telling the nurse that you were sad that time that you cut yourself so bad. i am sorry i kept my promise, that time. maybe you would have gotten the help that you needed and you would still be here. 

I am listening to one of your favorite albums while i write this to you in heaven. pink floyd, wish you were here and i much, wish that you were here. i love you, angel. i miss you with every inch of my being and i wish that you could come back. 

Everyone tells me to be happy because you would not want me to be sad. if you didnt want me to be sad, you would still be here. i want to be angry with you for doing this to yourself. for doing this to me. i want to scream and curse the dark things in your head that told you you had to go. you didnt have to go. you just needed some help. we all need help, tara. we cant do this on our own. not all the time. i never imagined that you would do this. never in a million years. i am so sorry for leaving you alone that day. why didnt you tell me how sad you were. why did you try to do this alone???????

why??.......why did you go away????? you had to know that i would miss you. your sister and your neices and nephew miss you. every person that you touched, everyone whose life you touched, misses you.

i love you.